To Paul the Psychic Octopus!

Don't you DARE predict that OUR TEAM will not win at the semis! Or at any match. Ever!

You think you are safe in your little aquarium? We have easy access to all your predators, within close reach, just waiting to be deployed! Put one tentacle in the wrong direction my friend, or shall we say towards the wrong mussel, and you will find yourself in very dire straits. With emphasis on the very.

And who is our team you ask? Well, if you are such a good psychic you should bloody well know shouldn't you!

kind regards

XResistance Team

Thank you Dr. Naik!

None of you will be unaware, unless you live under a kanamadhu tree in an uninhabited island, of the recent visit of the esteemed orator and memoriser Dr. Naik. He came, he saw and, by God he conquered. Now that he has done his good work and totally changed the worldview of the XResistance team into a twirling tizzy, we just wanted to spend a few minutes thanking the good doctor for his meritable words.

First of all Dr. Naik, thank you telling people how proud you are of being a fundamentalist and an extremist. I dont know if you are aware Dr. Naik, but we in this country are facing the increase of people with very extremist views. They are not educating or giving proper medical treatment to their wives and children, they are conducting underage marriages outside the official system, they are rejecting modern technology and doing all sorts of religious extremist acts. They have even exploded a bomb in our land. I'm sure they were feeling a bit isolated all this time because the majority of us Maldivians are not extremist, but thank you Dr. Naik, because they are now feeling validated, legitimised and loved by your statements, and I'm sure they feel much more driven to continue their ways. Although regarding this meaning of words business, do you know Dr. Naik that language is very fluid and that meanings change according to its usage? Look at the word hakuru in our language Dr. Naik. If you look at our radheef, it is something that housewives went next door to borrow when they run out of sweetners for their teas, but now its something with totally criminal connotations. But then, usage, context and changing times should be overlooked when making a point and you are such a good point maker, so good job Dr. Naik.

Also, thank you Dr. Naik, for equating Bin Ladin with Nelson Mandela. We totally see the connection between the two. Mr. Mandela promoted values of inclusion, tolerance, love and brotherhood, while Bin Ladin .. erm... quite obviously possess the same values. Now we know that in your statements to NDTV that you do not believe that Bin Laden committed any wrong and you think he was framed. Of course as a self educated intelligent logical person, if you feel all the videos he sent to Al Jazeera supporting acts of terrorism and calling for the indiscriminate death of the Western people is all bogus then we shall believe you. Because we believe you know all. Well done Dr. Naik.

You, and Mini You, in your generosity, cleared up a so many things about women as well. For instance you said those who do not wear the veil are inviting trouble. That makes sense. As does the twin sister story, you know the one, where one twin wears the veil and the other wears the mini skirt? Its all very logical. Although, we must say that in this culture if one twin wears the veil the other one would probably be wearing pants and a top, as mini skirts arent all that common. Or maybe you are talking about the Western countries? Then you might have a situation where one twin wears a veil and the other could wear a mini skirt. But then there are so many women walking around with mini skirts over there she might not get a great deal of attention. Also, the veiled woman would probably get all the attention since, as you quite rightly explained to us, those Western people hate Muslims and they would not leave that poor veiled twin alone. But then, all these actual contexts aside, I'm sure what you said makes more sense. You always do, Dr. Naik.

And then there's your explanation about why two women's testimony is equal to one mans. You explained it so well, as you always do. You said if a surgery needs to be done where two surgeons are required, and there's only one surgeon available you would get two MBBS doctors to make up for the missing surgeon. So two MBBS surgeons = one surgeon. This makes it all so simple. Of course if the surgeon available was female (because you know surprisingly enough there are female surgeons in this world) then would you need  4 MBBS doctors in total or one more surgeon for the female surgeon? Also can two MBBS doctors stand in for a something complicated like neuro surgery? But all these questions do not matter. What matters is that you said it and it must be true. Thank you Dr. Naik.

Furthermore, now who would forget that now infamous incident where you silenced that self proclaimed non Muslim. It was amazing the logic you used, for you are the most logical. The way you told him off for not using the same logic in religion and food? That was fabuloso! Of course, all logical persons use the same logic in making all decisions regarding religion and food and all other things in life. Now we are sure you would use the same logic in say choosing whether, on a certain day, to go para sailing or banana boating, or in deciding how many times you would mention Peace tv in a sermon. And you were also right that we should not question when a doctor gives us a medicine on what it is and what it does. You should blindly follow the doctor whatever he or she gives you, you don't have to know what you are ingesting into your body at all! Its just like how we should blindly follow you without question Dr. Naik, because you know best. Not only do you know best you know everything. You are wonderful, Dr. Naik.

And most of all, we would like to thank you for pointing out how bad all the other religions and non Muslims are. All other religions are nonsensical and all non Muslims are out to get us. And thank you for explaining to us that the main reason to be a Muslim is because all the other religions are so bad and illogical and their followers hate us anyway so there's really no point. Of course we would have thought that a better reason would be not to belittle other religions but to point out all the good things in our religion for there are so many. But then, we should really not think much about these things, for as you said the ordinary people should not really bother to use their brains when there are experts like yourself to explain things to people. Because like you said ordinary people are so mentally deficient that it would be impossible for them to grasp these simple things. We get that Dr. Naik, we really really do.

So finally, again, thank you Dr. Naik. Thank you for being our expert and most importantly thank you for the logic. We shall strive not to be extra smart. Thank you Dr. Naik.

Questions You Cannot Ask after the Religious Unity Regulation.

What if a woman wants someone other than her husband in heaven?

Why do Rabbis wear those funny hats?

Whats the deal with the twirling among Sufis?

Why do radical Muslims, Jews, Hindus and Christians all yell the same rhetoric?

Why does the Pope (zzp! colour bar)

Isn't it selfish for men to marry more than one woman in a country that has less women than men?

Are Christians ticklish?

Why is it that men go to heaven if they obey God and women go to heaven if they obey their husbands?

Are Shi'a Muslims smellier than Sunni Muslims?

Why is the sky blue?

Why don't preachers talk about male responsibility in curbing harassment, assault and fornication?

If you prick Jews will they bleed?

Are Christian women as evil as Muslim women?

Does Hindu babies take 9 months to grow in the womb as well?

Why do we get enraged when Muslims cannot display religious symbols in a secular country while we are content not allowing foreigners to express their faiths?

Does Shi'a children hate doing homework as well?

How does the Pope (zzp! colour bar)

Does our Bangladeshi brothers have lesser Net Muslim Value than our Palestinian brothers?

If you twirl a Jew round and round and round will he get dizzy?

Why is Vishnu blue?

How can a government regulate personal beliefs....?

Take that Aspiring Women Leaders!

The nerve!! When the Bill on Decentralisation was sent to the Parliament there was a clause that said both men and women should have a minimum 30% representation in the local councils. This gave WOMEN leeway to acrobatically twist and turn their way into our sacred local councils. Again, the nerve!!! Luckily this monstrosity of a clause was removed by our very able Parliamentarians of the opposition coalition persons. Well done we say!

People are not aware of the disaster that has been averted, for undoubtedly disaster has been averted. Thankfully, you people have the ever knowledgeable and all illuminating XResistance team to enlighten you. Yes we know, thank God for us! Pat on the back for us!

Let us go back a little bit in time and imagine if there was such a frightful clause in the Parliamentary elections bill! Oh the horror! The Parliament would've been infiltrated by halfwits and incapables. The legislating would've been unimaginably slow, people would address each other by titles to their faces and by profanity to their backs. Parliamentarians will be overly emotional, sulky and threaten to walk out at every other meeting. Heck, they might even change the colour of the Constitution to shocking pink!!! Unfortunately even now we have not rid ourselves of the pesky women in our Parliament. We are watching you Women Parliamentarians, and we are tolerating you as an undesirable element we cannot change, like those ads we had to put up with during the telecasts of Kiyunki Saas Bi Kabhi Bahu Thi. (Did you have Tulsi wanting to run for local councils?? We think not!!)

So, really, take that Aspiring Women Leaders! Dont give us this 50% of the population should have an opportunity to have a say on decisions that affect their lives crap. Tough! So what if you are structurally and financially disadvantaged to get an even field to contest in elections. Boo frikkin hoo! Do we care that community norms and practices and radical religious yellings make it difficult for women to be active in the public domain? Not a bit. And don't give us examples of those women who were given an opportunity to get their foot in the door (like some women who were among those appointed Parliamentarians we used to have) who are now active leaders in their field. They don't count. Plus we don't like acknowledging evidence contrary to our beliefs.

And anyway, the most important thing about the decentralisation bill was not ensuring the participation of the people in decision making, or strengthening the participatory and consultative principles of democracy, or increasing accountability to the people and transparency in governance or even giving special opportunities for disadvantaged groups to have their say. No indeedy! It was about whether the government should be allowed to group administration into Provinces or not, because God forbid that even one letter in our set-in-stone brought-down-from-a-mountain Commandments.. excuse us, Constitution should be disregarded! And that matter has been finally settled. Phew!

So take a bow Parliament! (Or whats was left of it after the walkout). You can take a rest now, you have earned it!

Interpretation Explained (...for dimwits)

The person who said that there is one universal truth, is absolutely right! Terribly terribly right! Yes. But of course there is, as there always tend to be, a slight hitch. It is up to us mortals to figure out what that truth is.

Now during the course of a day you come across many things. People, situations, polar bears, images, sounds, elbows, smells and what not. And we try to analyse all these things to make everything sense making, or understandable. We slot it in our overly organised and highly intelligent human brains, in the things-that-have-been-figured-out folder. (yes our brains have folders doesnt yours!!) And if two people are presented with say, the same image or situation, the two people will analyze and in most cases they will come to two different conclusions. That is because how we interpret things depends on our background, gender, life experience, opportunities and general outlook in life. That does not mean that any of them are wrong. It just means that from their position, knowledge and experience it is how it makes the most sense to them.

Look at abstract art for instance. Some people look at a painting and might see (snort!) "a dusky evening with the wind whipping the leaves of a forest while the sun is slowly setting", while others just see two squiggly lines with a dot alright!!! (hmph! the writer of this post has no imagination) (please disregard those who interject in brackets) (the writer of this post doesnt respect difference of opinion) (Oh shut up and off with your head!!) sigh. anyway, yes, interpretation!

And then now lets look at textual interpretation. For instance take this line from Julius Caesar:

"I am constant as the Northern star"

Now someone might say Caesar is saying he is very firm in his beliefs. Another might say it means that Caesar has a tendency to hover very still in high altitudes in Northern locations. Hmm. But anyway, both are very valid points. Of course Shakespeare might have meant something totally different and the poor chap might be turning over in his grave by the misinterpretation of his work by puny humans!

Nevertheless, both those are two people's interpretations. And one of them cannot say it is THE interpretation because the first person's interpretation comes from his or her position as an analytical deep thinking single person who likes animals and solitary walks on the beach (sigh!), and the other interpretation comes from the other persons position of being a veritable loony! But again, equally valid positions and equally valid standpoints.

Now one of them cannot put their interpretation in, for instance, brackets within the text, and say that is what it means. Like writing: "I am constant (hovering very still in mid air) as the Nothern star (Northern locations)" and claim it is what it means. And that is because whatever is in the brackets is a personal subjective interpretation. Even if a section of the population believes in that interpretation, it is still an interpretation.

So, the journey towards finding the ultimate truth of life is long and laborious. And in the process you will meet people who will interpret it in different ways, or believe in other people's interpretations that is different than yours. That doesn't mean any of you are wrong or any of you are right. It just means people are different and interpret things differently. So all we need to do is try with all our might to put up with and get along with each other! Otherwise, life becomes such a chore doesnt it...

(It was two squiggly lines and a dot!!!)

: )

TO THINK or NOT TO THINK!!

We the team at XResistance are all confused and disoriented. We are all running around like headless chickens bumping into humans, walls and each other! Total chaos and befuddlement reins! Why you ask? Well, the world as we know it has turned on its axis and we are all in a major state of disorientation.

Now, when we were growing up in the 70s 80s and 90s (yes we took three decades to grow up) we were taught that we should read and understand religion. We were taught concepts, we questioned and learnt things in class. Sure there were naysayers, and some teachers and parents discouraged questions, especially the difficult and controversial ones, but the general consensus was one should ponder religion and resolve the big questions in life in order to strengthen our faith and ageedha. So generally it was all good. Until the 2000s came up.

Then things started to change. We were told that only a certain people with certain qualifications knows religion. They are the only ones who can talk about it. We cannot question anything they say, its forbidden. People who question are very bad bad people. Logic is forbidden. Rational thought is forbidden. Basically all brain activity is forbidden. We shouldn't think at all about things, just accept what we are told. Because what they say is the ONLY way to think, act and behave.

So then we started the (surprisingly quick!) process of killing off our brains. I mean if there was no use for it we might as well do away with it altogether. 'sides, it'll make the body more energy efficient and the head lighter as well. Plus it meant no thinking and wondering about cumbersome questions like aren't those men that marry more than one woman in this country, when there are less women than men, taking potential mates away from other men? No no, no need to ponder about things like that.

Anyway, after we almost achieved the comforting coma of mindlessness DISASTER STRIKES!! We suddenly hear that the ever informed world renowned Zakir Naik is coming to town!

Now at first, in our mindless state, this was not an issue. This person is quite the Celebrated Orator and Memorizer of all the holiest books on either side of the equator! Not to mention, many a kaffir that dared to question his holier-than-thou-ness has been blistered and vapourised into non matter!

Now we heard that there was this slight matter of him not having relevant qualifications to be a scholar. Now who needs qualifications if thousands of people follow him? (Or an ounce of humility for that matter). And in his defense his loyal subjects are pointing out on radio and blogsphere, quite rightly, that everything you need to know is in the Holy Book, and you just need to read and understand it.

And then suddenly it strikes us! Larger and louder than a thunderbolt!! He had no qualifications! He learnt things by himself! He read things, understood things and learnt by himself?? HE USED HIS OWN BRAIN??? GASP!!! That means people can do that? People can learn religion by themselves and talk about religion to other people? Travel the world and spread their version of what they read? Its allowed?? NO frikkin WAY!

Just as we recovered from the lobotomy and adjusted to the alternative reality where people cannot read, understand and learn by themselves, the same people who told us to kill off our brains are bringing someone who TAUGHT HIMSELF??? What are you trying to do us!! What are we going to do now? Start growing back our brains? Keep our brainless state? What? What? Whaaaaaat??

So you can understand the state we are in. We are in limbo. And very angry. And very confused. If we had known that this was allowed would never have let this happen. WE could've travelled the world with our families and two rabbits too! Now Milky and Imelda will never see the world. Sigh....

The Rise of the Harassees!

Imagine our astounded astoundment when we checked the news today! Our dedicated fervid local newspaper was carrying an insightful report on sexual harassment! And not only that, it said that a bill on illegalising sexual harassment is going to be taken up in the Parliament floor!

Two hours later, after we woke up from a euphoria induced comatose stupor and collected our wits, we thought hats off to you Haveeru and all its good people. Especially the writer of the report Mr. Hassan. We would kiss you all over if that was not sexual harassment!

Well the point of this article is yet again to recognize the good that is going on in society – like we said at the beginning we are trying to beat Team Negativity. We dont mean over the head with plastic chairs as was demonstrated by our cool MPs and political activists during the entertaining albeit somewhat disillusioning showdown on the artificial beach but over the head with our words and our superior wit and sheer positive thinking (yes we did take a turn for the better since our last glum episode and now feeling collectively peachy-keen-and-dandy).

We wholeheartedly support the bill illegalising sexual harassment. We also appeal to the MPs to ensure that you do consult with people who know more on the issue before the big debate. Yes, yes, we do certainly know that you are all experts in everything too but in addition, perhaps just run the bill by another expert?

One thing that we would also like to say is that while this is very important mainly to women, sexual harassment law should protect all people from unwanted sexual advances. After all, since the removal of the gender bar, we could have a woman president any day now!

Anywhoo, today's a day for celebration so we're all off for smoothies!

Toodles!